Suicidal... It hurts so bad...

I'm hurt... Call it self-pity, call it being selfish. Whatever it may be, I'm at death's end. It's time for me to call it quits, to call it a day! Time was never there for me. Time was never my best friend. Time never did wait for me. I waited and waited, as my fragile mind slipped into the twisted world.

Jump! Jump! Jump! Voices in my head... Was it for real? For once, a feeling of emptiness, a feeling of loosing all control... a feeling of deep sorrow that nothing else matters! Just like the song says... nothing else matters. Do I matteR?! Who am I>?

For once, I felt controlled by some being... for that few seconds, I was dreaming. Jump! Jump! Jump! All I could think of was to just end my life. What else have I done to be proud of? To be loved?! To be understood!

Worthless! Taking people for granted. I could still hear my mind telling me to jump. Slowly dragged my feet to the balcony of the 5th floor. Not high enough? Nevermind, as long as I jump head first. I find good use for all the years of swimming! To finally end my life head first...

I looked below, the feeling of worthlessness eats away every bit of what's left of my sanity. I feel weightlessness and logic slowly fades into eternity as I contemplate jumping. I tried... I really tried... In between tears I just broke down silently, careful not to alert my cousin of my twisted suicidal plan.

I........... wanted to jump! Jump you fool! JUMP! but I just couldn't do it... I bailed out in the last moment... I couldn't bring myself to end my life! I'm still broken and depressed and suicidal... Only time will tell when I'd just be another figure in the statistics! Just another news of a wasted soul! A one time news that's soon forgotten just as I am just a worthless being.

I'm dragging my worthless soul in this dead world where I wish I did not exist... I want to fade into non-existance... Please forget that I ever was born, mummy, pa... I'm not worth your tears. I'm not worth any pity... Stop being there for me. It hurts! It hurts so bad! My past is a joke! My life is nothing but a joke!

I get on a high and I fall flat the next day! This is my life as it is... Please, whoever who reads this. If there's anything I could ask is that I'd be remembered as the person who blogged before he took his life. That's all I ask. I can't say when or how, but suicide is never far from my thoughts... It's very real to me now... I don't and can't be a burden to anyone anymore... My situation is such that I will be a huge burden, and what's best than to leave this world.

I'm suicidal... Time will only tell... I love you all, but my life is not worth your love at all! Till then...