I'm hurt... Call it self-pity, call it being selfish. Whatever it may be, I'm at death's end. It's time for me to call it quits, to call it a day! Time was never there for me. Time was never my best friend. Time never did wait for me. I waited and waited, as my fragile mind slipped into the twisted world.
Jump! Jump! Jump! Voices in my head... Was it for real? For once, a feeling of emptiness, a feeling of loosing all control... a feeling of deep sorrow that nothing else matters! Just like the song says... nothing else matters. Do I matteR?! Who am I>?
For once, I felt controlled by some being... for that few seconds, I was dreaming. Jump! Jump! Jump! All I could think of was to just end my life. What else have I done to be proud of? To be loved?! To be understood!
Worthless! Taking people for granted. I could still hear my mind telling me to jump. Slowly dragged my feet to the balcony of the 5th floor. Not high enough? Nevermind, as long as I jump head first. I find good use for all the years of swimming! To finally end my life head first...
I looked below, the feeling of worthlessness eats away every bit of what's left of my sanity. I feel weightlessness and logic slowly fades into eternity as I contemplate jumping. I tried... I really tried... In between tears I just broke down silently, careful not to alert my cousin of my twisted suicidal plan.
I........... wanted to jump! Jump you fool! JUMP! but I just couldn't do it... I bailed out in the last moment... I couldn't bring myself to end my life! I'm still broken and depressed and suicidal... Only time will tell when I'd just be another figure in the statistics! Just another news of a wasted soul! A one time news that's soon forgotten just as I am just a worthless being.
I'm dragging my worthless soul in this dead world where I wish I did not exist... I want to fade into non-existance... Please forget that I ever was born, mummy, pa... I'm not worth your tears. I'm not worth any pity... Stop being there for me. It hurts! It hurts so bad! My past is a joke! My life is nothing but a joke!
I get on a high and I fall flat the next day! This is my life as it is... Please, whoever who reads this. If there's anything I could ask is that I'd be remembered as the person who blogged before he took his life. That's all I ask. I can't say when or how, but suicide is never far from my thoughts... It's very real to me now... I don't and can't be a burden to anyone anymore... My situation is such that I will be a huge burden, and what's best than to leave this world.
I'm suicidal... Time will only tell... I love you all, but my life is not worth your love at all! Till then...
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3 comments:
Please think of your loved ones. It's easy to tell your parents 'dont waste your tears for me' but have you ever thought of the pains they go through to have you in this world? Please seek professional help where you can talk to someone. All the best in life. *hugs*
shadowfox... I'm listening... U got my ears. Do u know how much more depressing I get coz instead of showing or saying supportive words, I get scolding and nagging! I wish they;d read your post. Right now, I'll try my luck with a counsellor or a psychiatrist before I slip into serious depression and suicidal attempts...
leenmafia> for once, I'm glad I'm still alive today or I'd never have met u and shadowfox... At least it takes my mind of slitting my wrist or overdosing on sleeping pills... Thanx for the moment, guys... I'm still a loner in this dreadful world. :(
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